Since I recently wrote about the crazy things we say as parents, I thought I would touch on the finest things to come out of the mouths of babes. Here are just 6 common phrases your offspring has or has yet to spit out and really drive you crazy.

1. “I HAVE RIGHTS YOU KNOW”

LMFAO — no, you don’t child.  If you are behaving like a tiny little terrorist, you’ll be treated like one.  Your rights are suspended and you will be incarcerated without end or legal counsel.  Perhaps some sort of human rights organization will rescue you later, but if they have their own children, I have a feeling that the evidence will not work in your favor.

2. “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME”

The boss? No, I am not that.  That would imply that you were hired and there was an interview process to select the best fit for all concerned.  We are stuck with eachother by divine act and genetic code.  Let’s not forget that it also implies I am paying you, you my child are neither on an hourly wage or salary, you might get short term contract work for small labour jobs but that’s it.  Welcome to ancient Egypt my little Hebrew friend, I am Pharaoh and Moses isn’t around.

3. “I DON’T WANT TO…”

Oh you don’t want to participate in the punishment you just received? Oh well then by all means please feel free to grab a Coke and a Wii game and enjoy the rest of your afternoon.  Can I make you a sandwich or maybe some nachos?  Of course you don’t want to, that’s why it is a punishment.  I bet if we gave ponies to criminals the crime rate would drop like a rock.

4. “I’M NOT TIRED/I DON’T NEED A NAP”

Clearly not, your yawns, sagging eyes and short temper are completely normal.  My wonderful ray of sunshine, this problem is all about me, I need a nap, so for that to happen you need to go and fake one in your room for a little while.  Once I’m asleep,  please go ahead and crack a Pepsi and a box of Oreo’s, the on demand pass word is GOODLUCKWITHTHAT.

5. “I DON’T KNOW”

Let me get this straight, you are the owner of that toy/clothing/homework and are completely oblivious as to why they are currently in the state of disrepair/neglect/abuse.  Moreover, you are the one currently covered is some sort of sloppy fluid/goo/filth that is currently coating he floors/counter/walls and are looking at me expecting me to believe that you “don’t know” how it happened.  See, this is why Daddy needs that nap we were just talking about.  Let’s expand the lexicon of your little mind child, the term “caught red-handed” seems a good place to start.  You know.  I know you know.  YOU know I know you know.  Let’s handle this with some dignity and respect. Just confess and grab the cleaning supplies.

6. “WHAT-EVAR”

No, that’s not a typo — that particular spelling error is mean to emphasis the last syllable in the snottiest way possible.  Usually, it’s used as a last volley in a verbal war once all is lost.  No lost argument has ever been won in Disney-like fashion lobbing that from half court, it’s solely designed to infuriate the opposing side and get in the last word.  Too bad for the child it is also a fast ticket to ‘lost all your fun stuff town,’ unless of course there is a stop at parental meltdown station.  Around my house,  both are most likely to occur.

I bet right now most of you are reliving each and every one of these key phrases. Let’s face it — we’ve all heard them, dealt with them and forgiven them.

What gets me every time is that once these start flying, the initial cause is eclipsed by the conflict after.  Suddenly, a minor error has become a punishment not based on what lead to the unfortunate turn of phrase, but the attitude of that phrase.  Think back and remember the best use of these you’ve heard.

How many of them ended up strung together in a deadly combination leading to consequences ranging from lost fun, lost property and lost tempers?  The incredulous looks on the faces of both parent and child, raised voices, tears, early bed times and lost dinners?  In these memories of yours, dear reader,…which one are you, the parent or the child?

[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]https://www.thevalleymom.ca/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/matt-and-daughter-bio-pic.jpg[/author_image] [author_info]Known as “Big Daddy Cool” to his two ‘wee ladies,’ his eight and nine-year-old-daughters keep him on the hop and surprised constantly. A Valley resident since 1996, this 30-something from Aldergrove has seen the growth and expansion spring up around a sleepy suburb that he used to avoid in favour of the more happening areas of the GVRD. He can and will quote Simpsons, Seinfeld and his beloved WWE at the drop of one of his many hats and is at his happiest with a mic and a crowd. A single dad since 2007, Matt keeps in shape in his home with the YRG/DDP Yoga program that has infected his friends and family and can be found in his few spare moments sweating it out with anyone who will join in or get up early enough. With a philosophy stolen from an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie he’ll tell you without reserve “There is no fate but what we make.” Check out Matt’s wicked vocal abilities and DJ skills every Saturday night at the Walnut Grove Pub for karaoke.[/author_info] [/author]

Matt Harding