Parenthood can be a real trip.

So many things get spoken and once processed, you can’t believe what you just heard….from your own mouth.

The Internet is full of kids saying the darnedest things. Television shows have made millions on that concept. What has occurred to me on many an occasion is that we parents say some messed up things ourselves.  And no, I’m not just talking about things we heard from our parents –I mean the strange combinations of words we say to our own offspring.

Here are 6 examples of some of the crazy things we tell our children on a regular basis.

 

1. (Sigh) OK JUST DON’T DIE.

The exhausted cry of the parent being badgered by a child  to do something that is not as safe as it could be, but is only truly dangerous if said child is being reckless or unfocused. I have found it is often used when the child is on the border of being responsible and capable enough of doing said task as safely as an adult, while our parental overprotective instinct rears its head.

2.WHAT? NO, THAT’S NOT HOW BABIES ARE BORN….CRAP.

This happened to me. I was so disturbed that my 5-year-old step son thought babies were born covered in feces that I foolhardy  blurted that line out. It was a long second as the words echoed in my ears. Then came the dreaded response “Where DO they come from?” Well FML. I had to reach deep down and pull an answer out of my ass. “They come out of the…uh….baby…hole?” That was met with a quick “oh ok, can I play Nintendo?” Victory! Wait, what did I just say?  Sure enough the second his mother walked through the door he went running over and proudly stated his new knowledge and source.  I again scrambled for words and managed to avoid a night or two in the dog house… barely.

 

3. Let’s play the match game for this one pick one from column A and one from column B to complete this sentence. WHY IS THE_________ IN THE ________?

 

A)

CHEESE

PET

REMOTE

PEANUT BUTTER

FLOUR

TOY

POOP

JUICE

GUM

CRAYON

PHONE

B)

DRIER

CUPBOARD

TOILET

CARPET

BATHTUB

DISHWASHER

JEWERY BOX

PURSE

SHOE

HAT

MICROWAVE

Don’t worry — these examples are just a few of the awesome things you’ll get to ask.  Children love to experiment with things to see what combinations of objects they can combine to form a better thing than they originally had.

 

4. DO ME A FAVOR AND GO PLAY VIDEO GAMES BEFORE I GROUND YOU.

This will come out when you are either busy and want to finish the task quickly, or need just a few minutes of peace and quiet.  You think you are doing them a favor, but the next thing you know you are in a pitched battle of wills as if you asked them to do chores during a sacred moment.  Although the curiosity or helping hand is innocent and legitimate, there is a need to handle things on your own.

 

5. BECAUSE I SAID SO.

This is the dreaded phrase every parent swears they won’t use on their child.  This is the one that comes with an immediate need to apologize to your own parents and sets our parents to laughing in glee at our decent into their realm, much like if Luke had taken the Emperors offer at the end of Return of the Jedi, we have now turned to the dark side. There’s no turning back from this phrase, it is the last true gateway between adult and parent.

 

6. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? YOU’RE SURE?

This is the life pod for the straight-up parent. It provides the child with a way to avoid getting the unavoidable awkward answer most likely containing too much information. There comes the age when it’s harmful to sugarcoat things — those preteen/teen years where anything but honest can lead to mortifying embarrassment when the child has to recall the answer.

 

The list of things that will spill forth from us parents is as astounding as the things our children will say.  I doubt this is the last time I will approach this subject as I know I have said many more things that baffle me personally and look forward to jotting them down to share with you all later. One day, I won’t have many left in me, then I’ll be telling you about my children coming to me with “Yeah remember that time…SO SORRY!”

Well that’s my list, but I’d love to hear from you. What crazy things do you tell your children? I know I can’t be alone here…